


burned out (songfic)

by goldenthunderstorms (PotatosaurusOfBroadway)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Burned Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I like monologues okay, M/M, So much angst, Songfic, baz is being soft, dodie songfic, he deserves the world, probably not entirely canon compliant, set at the time of the trial, simon is depressed and angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 06:41:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17761757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatosaurusOfBroadway/pseuds/goldenthunderstorms
Summary: The night before the trial regarding the Mage's death, Simon does a lot of thinking, some crying, and Baz gives some comfort.





	burned out (songfic)

**Author's Note:**

> another songfic! burned out by dodie! (not linking it cuz its one song, yall have google, and ao3 links are difficult)  
> bold = song lyric  
> the lyrics cut into the story here and there as they correspond with whats happening

**He was certain, so was I**

I remember when I met the Mage; when he told me I was the Chosen One. It had seemed like the best day of my life. He was so certain that it was me, that I was the saviour. I believed him, because what other explanation was there? When you nearly blow yourself and your entire group home up, you’re desperate for any sort of explanation. So I was certain too. Not that it made the transition any easier. Everyone looked to me like I was ethereal; maybe I was. I was the Chosen One and they expected nothing less from me.

**There was comfort in her sighs**

Penny, though, didn’t see me as  _ only  _ the Chosen One. I was Simon first, Chosen One second, even if the two usually bled together. Penny was always there for me. She spoke her mind and may have been the only one who was entirely honest with me.

She deserved better. She still does. It’s been three months, the trial is tomorrow, and I’m still the same mess I was, maybe worse. But Penny is here, she always is.

**Dreams and ideas should not be the same thing**

Crowley, I was thick. I wanted to be the saviour, the hero. I wanted to save everyone and prove myself because I was tired of being nothing. But all I did was cause problems, make things worse, then fix it all last minute.

**You waited, smiling, for this?**

They all expected so much from me.

_ Defeat the Humdrum, Simon. _

_ Kill the monster, Simon. _

_ Defend the school, Simon. _

_ End the war, Simon. _

_ Save the world, Simon. _

**Oh, she'd want it if she knew**

**She could take it, I thought too**

I remember how the Mage had me do all his errands. There was always something new for me to do or test. The magic was so much: so bright and so powerful. The Mage once called me his  _ “magickal generator.” _ He always wanted to know what it could do, how far I could go.

**Be careful, be cautious, but you just wished harder**

It was so much, too much. My power was unsteady, constantly backfiring. I would go off in the earlier years and the Mage would say “ _ It’s okay, Simon. We’ll fix you.” _

**You waited, smiling, for this?**

Now I’ve failed and there’s nothing to fix, nothing but broken me.

**"But they love you!"**

**Over and over, "they love you!"**

In third year, I went to the Mage. 

“I’m not cut out for this.” I’d told him. “I’m not the Chosen One. I can’t be. The Chosen One would be able to control his magic.” I wanted to back out before I messed up any more.

“Don’t you understand, Simon?” The Mage had replied. “You were  _ chosen _ . You can’t back out. People need you. The World of Mages needs you.”

**Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine**

**Aching to find who they are**

I was too valuable, the Mage told me. Originally, I’d believed him. Whenever I killed a monster or came back, just after finishing some quest or another, people would watch and stare. Some of the first years still did. They looked at me like I was a god, powerful and mighty, like I had the answers to all of our problems.

**"Oh, they love you!"**

**Oh, you can feel how they love you!**

Once, in second year, I told Agatha and Penny how tiring to be the Chosen One. Penny agreed because she was usually my partner in crime. Agatha, though, scolded me. She told me I should be honoured to be the Chosen One, that I got to be useful and help people. She said people adored me, that I was special, and I was taking that for granted.

“You’re like a king to them, Simon.”

**Coated and warm but that's all they can do**

Maybe Agatha had been right. Maybe I was being selfish, complaining when I had such an important role to play. But knowing that what I did had so much importance didn’t help things. I liked not feeling worthless anymore because yes, I mattered to The World of Mages, but it was so much pressure. I knew any wrong move could have consequences. I wasn’t even able to get too upset without endangering people.

**Words only get through if they're sharp**

I always knew Baz was right. I was the worst mage in The World of Mages. The saviour who didn’t save anyone. I wanted so badly to prove him wrong, though. Baz was the only one who really knew me, though. He knew the truth all along.

**Oh, how fitting**

**For one so fake**

Baz always knew I was a fake. Mages don’t just abandon their kids. I never should have existed. I was a fluke and Baz called it from the beginning. In first year I thought he said all of it to see me cry, but now I know that he was just warning us, even if he didn’t mean to. I wish I had listened.

**Make me a fairy**

**Whatever it takes**

I stretch my wings behind me. My wings are a painful reminder of it all. I want them gone but I truly don’t know if I can. I want to talk to Dr. Wellbelove about it, but Baz would be upset about that. He loves my wings and tail, even though he teases me about them.

**And just like a tale my dream was a scam**

**You waited, smiling for this?**

They’re the only magical thing left in me, but I hate them. Why should I have them? I was never a real mage. I was fake, some fucked up creation to fulfil some bollocks prophecy. I wasn’t the hero they needed, dammit I wasn’t even a hero. If anything, I’m a fallen supervillain.

**I am burnt out**

I feel like a house after a fire: charred and empty with nothing inside worth saving and nothing left worth fixing. I’m so messed up after the event that nobody recognizes me and they have no idea what to do with me.

**I smell of smoke**

It’s like I can’t escape it. It’s over, but I keep reliving it. There are memories and nightmares, so many nightmares. Almost every night, I wake up panting and sweating, feeling as if I’ve just gone off. For a quick, bittersweet moment I smell smoke and feel the heat, but then it all fades.

**It seeps through her cracks and so I start to choke**

Sometimes it’s worse; sometimes there’s Ebb and the Mage, blaming me for it all. The Mage is frustrated, angry that he wasted eight years on me. Ebb is disappointed, upset with me. But Ebb isn’t angry and somehow that feels worse.

_ “Blame me!” _ I’d plead,  _ “I’m sorry, Ebb. It’s my fault!” _

But Ebb is too nice to blame me. She ruffles my hair and tells me it’s okay. She says she expected better, but everyone messes up.

_ But my mess up killed people,  _ I want to say. But I never do because by then she’s gone and I’m jolting awake, sobbing and begging until I choke on the tears.

**Sentences sit in her mouth that are templated**

I never wake up alone, though. Someone is always there. Usually, it’s Penny that appears at my side. Penny wraps me in a hug, telling me funny things and offering to make tea. Penny doesn’t try to tell me that everything is okay because Penny doesn’t lie. She doesn’t expect me to talk either because she knows I usually don’t like to. Penny wipes my tears with her sleeve and tells me that I’m better than this.

Sometimes she lies. But Penny doesn’t think she’s lying. Penny doesn’t try to lie.

**You waited, smiling, for this?**

I know Penny wants me to get better. She always looks so tired and worn down when she has to deal with me. She looks worried and nervous like she expects me to shatter any minute. I think I’ve already shattered, though. I shattered that night in the White Chapel. Now I’m just sitting on the ground in pieces as everyone steps around me saying ‘ _ Someone will clean that up.’ _

But who will?

**"But they love you!"**

**Over and over, "they love you!"**

“I can  _ feel  _ you thinking.” A mutter rips me from my thoughts and I realize I’m in tears. I blink them away before looking down at Baz, who’s curled up against my chest. He’s here for the trial, but he’s going back to Watford when it’s over. I’ve been clinging to him.

“You know I try not to do that too much,” I reply softly.

“And yet you do,” Baz retorts.

Now, he’s in my arms in the Bunce’s living room. Penny’s family was nice enough to put me up after all this since I have nowhere else to go.

**Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine**

**Aching to find who they are**

Baz looks up at me, brow furrowed. He leans up and kisses the mole on my neck that he treats like a target. “I thought you’d gone back to sleep.” He murmurs against my skin. Being with Baz hasn’t been what I expected, but that’s not a bad thing.

Baz is gentler than I expected, softer and sweeter. He’s obviously not nice to me 100% of the time—it would be weird if we went from constant arguing to being best mates all of a sudden, even if we are together. We still bicker, he still calls me thick and I still call him a prat. But it’s less malicious and usually ends with a kiss on the cheek. I like it. It feels more genuine when he really is sweet with me, usually when we’re only alone. Other than the Bunces, we’ve been pretty quiet about it. Relationship news is hardly a priority at the moment. But it’s nice with Baz. He and Pen are the only things I’m sure of anymore.

**"Oh, they love you!"**

**Oh, you can feel how they love you!**

“Simon?” Baz says and I nod to show that I’m listening. He does this too, but only when he’s being soft. It’s usually Snow, but I don’t mind either way.

Baz sits up, putting an arm around me and kissing my temple. “More nightmares?”

I shake my head. “I never went back to sleep.” I had been awake for about two hours since Baz fell back asleep. I woke up from a nightmare and Baz had held me until I calmed down. I pretended to sleep so Baz would go back to sleep. He looks worn out too, but he hides it better. I feel bad for waking him, but he helps and he insists that he’d rather do that than sleep through it.

“I’m possibly immortal. I can lose a little sleep.” He’d said.

**Coated and warm but that's all they can do**

“Are you nervous for the trial?” Baz asks. He’s rubbing my arm and I lean into his side.

I nod, “It feels too soon.”

“It’s been three months.” Baz reminds me.

“I know,” I press my face into his shoulder.

“It’s not like you’ll be convicted of anything. The Mage was the one doing questionable shit. You didn’t mean to hurt him. But he obviously meant to hurt you.” Baz says. He’s trying to comfort me, but sometimes his hatred for the Mage makes that iffy.

**Words only get through if they’re sharp**

“I didn’t mean to kill him, Baz.”

“I know, love.” Baz kisses the top of my head. “I know.”

“But what if they don’t?”

**Oh, maybe I’ll talk about it**

**(Maybe I’ll talk about it)**

“It’s alright, love. They will, I promise you.” Baz whispers, rubbing my back now. Baz likes to make promises he can’t keep.

“How do you know?” I ask, taking one of Baz’s hands.

**I can just talk about it**

**(I can just talk about it)**

“Because, Snow, I know everything. It’s a vampire perk.” Baz jokes, kissing the back of my hand. It reminds me of White Chapel when he tried to cheer me up with vampire jokes.

“You still don’t have x-ray vision,” I mutter.

“Well, I’m certain about this one.”

**I'll never talk about it**

**(I'll never talk about it)**

“But what if I mess up? What if I say the wrong things? What if they . . .” I trail off, letting Baz complete that in his head however he wants. “I’m scared, Baz.”

**No, I cannot talk about it**

Baz frowns, shaking his head. “No, Simon Snow isn’t scared of anything. He’s a damned hero and he definitely doesn’t get scared of a little court case.”

It’s supposed to make me feel better. Simon Snow never got scared of things like this so why should I?

But I’m not that Simon Snow. I’m not the Simon that Baz and Penny want and need. I’m burnt out and shattered and scared. They want me to get better. They’re tired of me being like this. They want Old Simon back when I’m not even sure he exists anymore.

**Don’t build hope on something broken**

I don’t respond to Baz. What do I say? How do I explain to him that Simon Snow didn’t get scared but me, Fallen-Supervillain-Simon, does get scared and is scared?

**I am not cartoon**

I’m not the hero he wants me to be.

“Stop that,” Baz frowns again.

“Stop what?’ I ask, turning into his side so I won’t have to look at him anymore.

“That,” Baz answers, “you’re retreating. You’re pulling away, Simon. You never surrender, never have and you never will. So don’t even try it.”

**Cry for help, I am not joking**

“So what if I am? What if I want to?” I snap, letting go of his hand and holding handfuls of his shirt.

“What?” Baz asks, seeming to completely freeze. It annoys me.

“Maybe I  _ want  _ to surrender, Baz. Have you ever considered that? I’m so tired of it all. I don’t want to go to the trial tomorrow because I’m  _ scared.  _ And I know you think Simon Snow doesn’t get scared, but guess what? I’m not that Simon anymore. I’m not the hero or my magic anymore. I’m nothing Baz, so quit expecting stuff from me!” I exclaim, tears pulling at my eyes. I hated that. I was so prone to crying lately that I thought I would have run out of tears. I’ve just been a blubbering waste.

“Simon,” Baz says, and I know he has no idea how to follow that. He has no idea how to handle me. He doesn’t want to.

**I might just leave soon**

“You know what? Forget I said anything. I’m sorry,” I say, sitting up.

“Hey,” Baz sits up too. He grabs my wrist before I can get up. “What’s this about, Snow?”

“Damnit, Tyrannus, what do you  _ think _ ?” I try to pull out of his grip but Baz is strong. “Let go of me.”

“Not until you actually tell me what’s wrong.” He demands, trying to pull me back to him.

“Didn’t I just tell you?!” I finally pull free of Baz’s hold, standing up. “Whatever, I’m sorry, Baz. I know you don’t want to deal with this.”

**Don’t build hope on something broken**

“What are you talking about? Simon, when I agreed to  _ this  _ I agreed to everything with you.” Baz stands, slowly taking my hands in his. I want to pull away and keep arguing because that felt better than this. I liked being angry at him because I didn’t have to feel sad. But it’s Baz and he’s towering over me now and lacing his fingers with mine and kissing the top of my head and the next thing I know, I’m crying again.

“Stop it, stop being nice to me.” I hiccup, trying weakly to back away from Baz.

“That’s sort of my job, Simon,” Baz says softly.

I frown, giving up on pulling and near collapsing into Baz’s chest. Crowley, I’m a mess.

**I am not cartoon**

Baz wraps me in his arms without hesitation. I want to hate him for that. I want to hate him for all of this because he’s here and putting up with me when he doesn’t have to and shouldn’t be.

I cry into his shirt. I guess you could call that a rollercoaster, crying to arguing and then crying again, but it just feels like a constant downhill ride.

“So tell me what you’re on about.” Baz whispers, carding his fingers through my hair.

“I’m not your Simon anymore,” is the first thing I can think to say.

“What?”

“I’m not the Simon you want any more, Baz. I’m too messed up.” I sniffle, holding onto his shirt again. “I’m sad and scared and broken and I know you and Penny are tired of putting up with it. I know you want me to be the damned hero but I’m  _ not. _ ” I didn’t notice before but my tail was thrashing. That happens when I’m upset. Baz takes my tail and curls it around his wrist so it doesn’t hit anything. He does that, too.

**Cry for help, I am not joking**

“Simon, love,” Baz lifts my face so I look at him. He looks so sympathetic and loving. A part of me likes it but the other part wants to punch him for it. He’s being nice and sweet to me when I don’t deserve it. He’s being gentle when he should be scolding me for being so pathetic. He shouldn’t care about any of this and I want to tell him all of this, but the look on his face stops me.

“I don’t care that you’re not the powerhouse you used to be. You know that, don’t you?” Baz kisses my forehead. “It doesn’t matter if you’re scared, because things are going to work out. Maybe Simon Snow does get scared. I don’t know because I haven’t spent enough time knowing him. You are my Simon because you’re Simon and  _ I love you _ , whether you’re broken or not. I’ve loved you for years, Simon. And now I’m finally getting to know you, and be with you. Crowley, Simon, I’ll always want you. I will never be tired of you, no matter what you’re going through.”

“Even if I’m a burned out supervillain?” I whisper, looking at the wall behind Baz so I don’t have to meet his eyes.

Baz hums, “Even then,” he says. He kisses me, softly. “You’re Simon Snow,  _ my  _ Simon Snow, no matter how sad or broken you are. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces.” He sighs, resting his chin on top of my head. “But let’s not tell Bunce about this, alright? I do have a reputation to uphold.”

It’s meant to cheer me up and it works a little. I laugh, even though I’m  _ still  _ blubbering so it sounds more like a sob. “Alright, Baz,” I press my face into the crook of his neck, wondering when this will feel normal. I wonder when being with Baz will feel normal and all the rest of this will too. “I love you too.”

~~**I might just leave soon** ~~


End file.
